Muscadine Lines: A Southern Journal

The New You

A Letter to My Brother-in-Law

Rick Quick

Well, you finally did it. You and your wife are about to have a baby. Right now you are on top of the world, thinking about how your kid is going to be the most awesome baby ever, how she will grow up to be president, and how she will take care of you in your old age and change your diapers.

Well, I want to welcome you to the world of being a dad. And I want to set you straight on how this is actually going to go down.

First, everyone is going to tell you that you have a beautiful baby. Then, once you are gone, they are going to talk about how ugly and wrinkled the baby really is. Sure, it would hurt your feelings if you know this, but your revenge is that you will be able to do it to them later.

Next, if you haven’t noticed, your wife is starting to change. It started slowly by her asking you to pick up your clothes, because she was just too tired. Then it was cooking dinner, and cleaning the house. Now, she has finally trained you to be a house-husband.

You are under the impression that once the baby gets here, this will stop. Ha. Welcome to the real world! She ain’t about to take all of that back on. You will get to keep on doing this forever, or at least until you die. And if you try dying to get out of it, you will spend eternity working as a maid for Tide, the Patron Saint of Dirty Clothes.

Karma really is a bad thing.

Next, you will find out who your friends are. Those guys who used to stop by to drink your beer and eat your food? Well, they don’t like to watch you do housework. And they don’t like babies who cry. Instead, they will go to someone else’s house and bum. So get used to talking to your wife, because no one else is going to be dropping by.

Remember when you used to watch all of those violent movies and TV shows? Chuck Norris kicking people in the head and Arnold blowing up buildings? Well, you can forget that now, unless Barney decides to rescue POWs from Iraq. Singing Wiggly Wiggly World is about as close to the WWW as you are going to get.

Now, there are advantages. Women like men who carry around babies. Of course, your wife won’t let you talk to them. And you will meet other parents who are in the same boat as you. But you will hate the way they raise their kids and will pray your daughter never marries their son.

So say good bye to the old you and welcome in the new improved you. Get familiar with yourself, and learn to be comfortable going to dinner with spit-up on your shirt. It won’t be as much fun as getting drunk and throwing up on yourself, but at least your head won’t hurt the next day. And of course, your wife will be very pleased with the new you.

After all, she finally made you into what she wanted to marry in the first place.


Rick Quick lives in Louisiana and is an engineer by day. He has been a columnist for The Inquisitor for two years.

© Rick Quick

Muscadine Lines: A Southern Journal ISSN 1554-8449, Copyright © 2004-2012